I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better!

Bedazzle the Snazzle

(Today's post is NSFW, so if you are about to read this in a work setting, please don't. I don't want you to get called in the bosses office and asked why the word "labia" was on your computer screen. Just looking out for you, is all.)

Last week a friend of mine was telling me about a new trend in exotic bikini waxing that I had to share with all of you. And by exotic, I mean transforming one's nether regions into works of art. That's right my friend; this week's WTF?!? Wednesday is all about how to....

Bedazzle the Snazzle

According to an article in the SF Gate, more and more women are going to the beauty salon to get their pubic hair shaped into lightening bolts, Playboy bunnies, even Marge Simpson. For $90-$215, women pay "vagina designas" to make their "canvases" into a work of art. One woman actually had the nerve to say that this improves a woman's sexual self esteem. I not sure how having a Marge Simpson snatch can make you feel like a sex kitten but what do I know? My idea of making my canvas into a work of art is a Gillette razor and some 99¢ shaving cream. Now that is the best a man can get! (Insert purring noise here)

What gets me even more is that it isn't even a pleasant experience to have this done. I have heard of more pleasant experiences at the dentist. Get this: Women are offered glasses of wine to take the edge off, they are given a big rubber ball to hug and they are reminded to breathe. Hot wax is then slathered onto the pubic hair with a spatula and cotton strips are put down down before letting them rip. Normally I would tell someone if they need to get drunk and hug a big plastic ball while being told to remember to breathe, they better find some new friends.

And do guys really get turned on by this? If you are a guy and you are reading this, please enlighten me with your comments. If you think any of the following shapes and styles would turn you on, please let me know.

1)  A Mercedes-Benz emblem

2) A cowboy boot

3) A martini glass

4) A Tiffany box

5) A dollar sign

and finally

6) A landing strip, complete with Swarovski crystals as "lights"

I am not one to judge but if you walk around with Swarovski crystals glued to your labia, I may have to think you are an imbecile. You might as well have a profile on this freakin' site while you are at it. Why must women do really stupid, superficial stunts to get a man's attention? Don't women realize that men don't care about all of these little details that they freak out over? How many of you have had this conversation with your other half....

Other half: Let's fuck make sweet love, honey.

You: I can't, I haven't shaved my legs.

Other half: So?

You: But I feel ugly and hairy and fat.

Other half: No you're not. You are beautiful just that way you are. Now, come over here and let's screw like rabbits hold each other and talk about our feelings.

Let me clear one thing up before I go on; I have nothing against people waxing their binkini areas. I totally understand why people don't want hair in that area. (Remember the Gillette joke from before) I just don't think decorating one's pubic hair into shapes and colors is going to make anyone feel better about themselves. This is another way for very clever and sneaky people to make money off of the gullible and insecure. Pubic hair designs are not sexy and they are not the hottest new thing. It is a waste of money and will die out soon enough. Next the newest thing in San Francisco will be shaving off the pubic hair and wearing a merkin. That would be like, totally awesome.

In closing on this fabulous and hair free Wednesday; I really think the old cliché rings true that the only real aphrodisiac is the one between your ears. If you don't think sexy, then you are not sexy. There you have it, some good advice for once. Advice that doesn't include blowing $200, hugging a ball, praying to God while drinking wine and then being called Crystal Crotch.

You're welcome.

Oh, and go here to preorder next year's vagina fashion. Then we can all decide when the official Merkin Blogging Convention will be. Who's with me on the committee?

Janine and Nestor - 5/12/07

Here is to the past....

The present......

and the future......

Condoms, Rose! Condoms, Condoms, Condoms!

I was just answering Vegas Princess, who left a very kind comment on my last blog and it reminded me of something funny. (Thank you everyone for your nice comments, by the way. I am very grateful!) So, I put in the comment that I was going to try to not get knocked up again and then I wrote, "Condoms Naynay, condoms!" which made me think of my ALL TIME FAVORITE scene from the The Golden Girls.

Wouldn't you know the scene is on You Tube so I had to share it, of course! I watched it three times and laughed out loud each time. I love the whole scene but I love the line where the drug store clerk says to Dorothy, "Calm down lady; ya just get out of prison?!" Classic!

If it weren't for this clip, I would've never known that lambskin prophylactics were $13.95 back in the 80's. See, this clip is both hysterical and educational! Thanks, Girls!

My own version of WTF?!? Wednesday.......

The past 24 hours have been very weird for me. Right now I should be studying for my anatomy and physiology exam but I can no longer look at my notes! I am taking a break to blog; simple squamous epithelial tissue and the subcutaneous layer of the skin can wait.

Anyway, back to the last 24 hours of my life. I don't really know how to explain what I am about to explain, so I will just come out and say it.............

I had a miscarriage today. Well, I am not sure if it was actually today that it happened but apparently I was pregnant yesterday when 3 (Yes, 3.....) home pregnancy tests came back positive. I may have never even known I was pregnant had I not took those pregnancy tests. At the request of my sister, I bought a home pregnancy test yesterday because my period was unusually late. In the 19 years I have been menstruating, I have NEVER missed a period. Well, sho' nuff, the test was positive. I ran out and bought another one and sho' nuff they were positive as well! Then this morning I woke up to what seemed to be my period and a little bit of cramping. What the heck happened overnight? I went to the doctor to find out what was going on. The urine test at the doctor came back negative but she looked at all 3 of the home pregnancy tests and said, "Those tests don't lie. You definitely were pregnant!" She then took a blood sample from me to find out the level of hGC so she can tell how "far along" I was. She said that miscarriages are fairly common in the very first few weeks of pregnancy, which I knew. I don't really know how to feel. I am more in shock that this happened. It is a lot to process in one day! Me, pregnant? Nah, that can't be. Then to make the situation even weirder, I went to bed pregnant and then woke up not pregnant. WTF?!?

I am not sad because Nestor and I weren't planning to have kids right now. We wanted to wait a while until we were married longer and really, it isn't a priority of ours. We had been protecting ourselves too so this is all a mystery to me! It shook us up a little bit that is for sure. Life sure can change from one day to the next! I am not even ready to make a baby blog! I can't even make the time to water my plants, shave my legs and update this freakin' blog. I don't want to add a baby to the mix.

I am back to work tomorrow to save NJ from evil rate evaders and then off to school tomorrow for that stinkin' test. Wish me luck. Next week will be a real WTF?!? Wednesday full of mullety, fat, hairy, farty, fun!

No WTF?!? Wednesday tomorrow.....

I have a lot going on over on my end. So, I have to cancel this week's WTF?!? festivities. Sorry! Be back soon......

It's meme time again.......

Leezer and Trish tagged me on this blog so here I am doing it. I have done this one so many times before. I am not that interesting, really. So I will have to dig deep and think of 6 things about myself that you don't already know. Here goes:

1) I am currently attending school to be a massage therapist. I never actually told you what I was going to school for so I thought this can be random fact #1. I love school a lot and I am glad after all of the thinking and researching about a possible career choice, I came up with this profession. Being a massage therapist fits a lot of criteria for what kind of career I want: I like meeting and talking with people, I want to help people, I want to own my own business, I wanted to learn something new and challenging and most importanly I am learning a lot about my self mentally and physically as well. I also learned that I am in bad shape and need a good myofascial massage to get my muscles back to normal. I am a walking knot with boobs. For real.

2) My first car, in 1996, was a pea green colored 1987 Chevrolet Celebrity. My rich, but very whacked-out grandfather told me he would buy me a car when I got my license. I should've known better. The man was a doctor and made more money than any of us yet he insisted on buying me a used steaming heap of crap. My father and I went to Harrisburg, Pa via Amtrak where he lived to pick up the car that was a surprise up until that point. I couldn't wait to see what Grandpa picked out for me!!! As we pulled into the driveway, I said under my breath in slow motion, "NOOOOOO!" I was so upset that I had to drive around in that hunk of junk. And a hunk of junk it was; on the ride back with the car, the lighter shorted out and messed up the radio. I had so many problems with that car until 2001 when a drunk driver rear ended me at 60 mph. I didn't thank him for the back and knee injuries I received, but I did thank him for totaling the GREEN MONSTER, as my friend Joann called it. Amen.

3) Since I am originally from Brooklyn and I currently live in New Jersey, I tend to have a little bit of a "New Yawk" accent. Not as bad as half of my Italian family but I still have it nonetheless. Anyway, so back in 2000, when I made my first attempt of moving out of my house, I packed up a box from my dresser and labeled it, "Sock Draw". I was moving in with my (now ex) boyfriend who was born and raised far from New York. When we were unpacking he started laughing and I asked him what he thought was so funny. He said, "The drawer of your dresser is not D-R-A-W. That is what you do with a crayon. It is drawer, with an ER at the end". Woops! I never knew there was an "ER" at the end! When I said "dressuh draw" my whole life, how was I supposed to know there were "r's" involved?! I also found out over time as I get older, no one else really said, "Ya stupid rat bastid; go stick ya lip in shit" either.

4) I have been asked twice in my life if I was Iranian. Once when I was looking for apartments with the ex I was talking about in #3 and then about a year later when I was in Arizona on vacation. I don't think I look Iranian at all but I do think it is interesting that others thought I was. Good thing it never happened at airport security though. Although, once I opened my mouth, they would say, "Never mind, she's a Guinea. NEXT....."

5) When I was in third grade, my teacher Mrs. Hopkins asked me how to spell, "beautiful". She said something like, "Since you are beautiful, you should tell me how you spell it". All of the boys in the class yelled, "EWWWWW" which made me run out of the classroom in tears. And that, my friends, is what started many years of being insecure and awkward around the opposite sex. Thanks class 3P4 at P.S. 22 in Staten Island. Fuckers.

and finally......

6) I've had stitches twice in my life. First, when I was in third grade and crashed into a van while riding a bicycle and smashed up my left middle finger. And then back in 2002 when I thought, in a fit of anger, that it would make a lot of sense to hit a picture frame. Yeah, um, don't ever do that. My right hand can attest to that as well. You should definitely try a healthier approach to anger like, punching a pillow, taking a few deep breaths or, if that doesn't work, you can always yell, " Ya stupid rat bastid; go stick ya lip in shit!" :-)

Okay, I tag......... Shades, Vegas Princess and Fraulein. Here are the rules:

- Write six random things about yourself in a blog post
- Tag six people in your post
- Let each person know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog
- Let the tagger know your entry is up

I would've tagged 6 people but a lot of people did it already. Oh and I am not telling you in your comments. Eating breakfast sounds much more appealing right now!

Winner of the Mulletiest Mullet Contest

Who can write about personal stories these days when I have such good material to fill you in on! Who cares about school and stress free living when you can write about toddler mullets, the ultimate in blog perfection.

Red Wing boy takes away first place in Minnesota mullet contest

According to Hockey Mom's Magazine, Brady Arneson's mullet was voted the best in all of Red Wing, Minnesota. Now before you snicker and roll your eyes, please know that mullets are all the rage in hockey fan communities. I found out something very interesting about mullets. Did you know that the purpose of the long hair in the back is to look cool as it hangs out the back of the hockey helmet? I would imagine this is very important to a 3 year old kid. God forbid his hair isn't hanging out of his little toddler helmet! Gasp! What would Wayne Gretzky think????

I like the way lil' Brady is standing. He kind of looks like a pregnant woman who just had a rough time getting off of a couch in the final trimester. Maybe Mrs. A has been feeding him too many corndogs and pop. He's all like, (insert Minnesota accent here), "Oh yeah, so I got this here mullet and yeah, it's so heavy, ya know. Between the hair and the belly, it ain't easy bein' me, ya know."

Luckily, now that he's won the contest; Brady's parents are going to cut his hair for the summer so he'll be cooler. I mean that in more than one way, of course. I mean he'll be less hot in the summer months as well as less likely to get his ass kicked in the preschool playground.

   

How NOT to parent a child

Today's WTF?!? Wednesday is a doozie. I heard about this video last week from coworker while we were on the topic of funny videos on You Tube. The video you are about to watch is NOT funny at all. I went back to him on Monday and asked why he thought the video was funny because I thought it was terrible and sad. He said it was because he could not believe how the parents used their child to spew their hate. Um, I wouldn't exactly call that funny. Slipping on a banana peel is funny. Teaching your child to say what this kid says, not so funny. I would instead call it ignorant, cowardly, and just plain stupid.

This is what I have to say about this video: I hate fucking bigots. I think there are too many fuckin' bigots out there in this world. I think that fuckin' bigots should get a life. And I think these fuckin' bigots shouldn't have had kids.

Amen.

Thrilled Beyond Belief

When I was 13 years old, I discovered rock and roll for the first time. I had always known about rock and roll because my dad was constantly listening to classic bands such as Led Zeppelin, Queen, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Deep Purple, ELP, Yes, The Eagles, etc. But in 1991, I threw away my Boyz II Men and New Kids On The Block tapes and decided to go another route musically. Thanks to the very underrated band, Extreme. Say what you want and laugh if you want as well but Extreme is a really good band. Of course now, in 2008, their music is dated and kind of cheesy but overall they are very talented musicians. They made a big mistake in 1991 releasing More Than Words as a single and forever being known as a pussy ballad band. I didn't ever care; I knew them as the four piece 'funky metal" band that rocked live and had beautiful, flawless harmonies. Gary Cherone instantly became the reason I wanted to perform. He also became the object of my affection for many, many years. Ask anyone I went to high school with and they'll tell you that my name from 1991- 1996 was Janine Cherone. No joke. Again, laugh if you'd like. I'll wait......

The reason for this blog is not actually about my love for Extreme or for Gary Cherone. I am actually writing about another band from the early 90's that I was huge fan of and made me proud to be female singer. Once I fell head over heals for Baby Animals, a rock band from Perth, Australia, it was all over! You may know them from their 1991 single Painless, which is my favorite song! The video on You Tube isn't great quality but you can get an idea of what the song is. Well, that and you can see how incredibly beautiful Suze DeMarchi is. I LOVE. HER.

Coincedentally Suze married Extreme guitarist Nuno Bettencourt in 1994. That was a match made in heaven; not only for them but for me! I followed both bands until the late 90's when I started listening to more jazz and trip hop music. I never did forget both bands and followed their solo projects. But I always dreamed that someday they would make mainstream music again for people to enjoy. Well guess what I found out today????

I found out that Nuno Bettencourt, after his failed attempt with Satellite Party (Perry Farrell's latest project) has created the soundtrack to the movie, Smart People starring Sarah Jessica Parker, Juno's Ellen Page, Dennis Quaid and Thomas Haden Church. It also features songs from Gary Cherone and.... new material from Baby Animals!!!!!! I looked into this information further and found out that unbeknownst to me; Baby Animals released new material this past January! I couldn't believe I didn't know any of this until now. Some fan I am!  Nonetheless, I am thrilled beyond belief that my two favorite bands from my high school years have projects in the works and have not faded away after all. Good for them. This proves that you do not have to be "popular" to make good music. Each member of Extreme and Baby Animals have more talent in their pinky fingers than a lot of the current shitty bands/singers have in the whole band! I thank them for many wonderful musical memories and cannot wait to download the new music on ITunes. Yay!

Check out the myspace page for Baby Animals. Tell 'em Naynay sent ya. Actually, don't tell them that; they have no freakin' clue who I am. Just listen and (hopefully) enjoy!!!!

Now, my question to y'all is: What music did you listen to in high school? Do you still listen to it now?   

WTF?! Wednesday Poetry Day

Ode to gauged dude

Oh crazy one with the stretched out face

You're fucking gauged all over the place

In your nose, cheeks, ears and lip.....

When I see you all I can say is, "OH DIP".

I bet your ear would make a nice bracelet

but overall dude, you're scary, let's just face it.

And what the hell happens when you have to sneeze?

Does the mucus fly out of your nose like the breeze?

I don't understand why you'd do that to your face

Not that it was nice to look at in the first place.

Just do me a favor and stay far away

but thanks for being part of WTF?!? Wednesday.....

Words by Naynayfazz, copyright 2008. Love me, love my poetry. Now, let's go get some wine and cheese and act all smart and self righteous.........